My my my is this blog thing not on the top of my priority list...shame on me for not putting it up there. I'll try to be better at it. To be honest, I probably won't. The mere fact that I've even signed on is a miracle in itself with all the homework that's looming and it's already 10:00 pm. Maybe this will become my procrastination project. Do homework, nope, I'll write in my blog. Lucky for you, not for me? Needless to say, I'm sure we've all been busy and I'm thankful you would even consider reading this piece after such a writer's block by yours truly.
On a heavier note, my 4-legged love of my life has re-injured his back again and is on about 4 different meds to help soothe this flare up. Ugh, poor guy. Frustrating that dog's don't get an HMO where they can see a neurologist or get some serious chiropractic work done without spending thousands. If only I could, Sam, I would.
On a lighter note, Everly Ava is a gem! She's blabbering, shrilling, laughing, squeaking, squawking, and doing all the things a 5-month babe should be! We love her to bits. She is the happiest, easiest, lovable little thing I've ever known. She brings me great joy and exhaustion. ;)
Good night! XO
Lindsay
PS: I'm halfway through my 3rd semester of nursing school...I'm doing it! Whoop!
MY SLIGHTLY DOCUMENTED PATH: Living in the west, missing the east, trying to slow down and enjoy what's right in front of me, and write some of it down on the way.
Monday, March 31, 2014
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
A BABY STORY
Ok...I'm back. A long hiatus taken, rightfully so with a newby on our hands. Everly Ava Miller. A name we love. Middle name taken from her oldest angel cousin that we want to pay tribute to. We love you, Ava Soos.
I'm going to rewind briefly to spit out this birth story - partly for my own memory down the line (as this is taking the place of a diary) and partly because it started out pretty funny, at least I thought so. Sunday, October 20, 2013, 2:30am. I'm startled by an unconventional wake up call. A pat, or I should say, smack on my butt by mine truly - Cole. In retrospect I think I rolled over and bumped into him and in his sleep he patted my butt to let me know it was ok. It was these 2 "good game" pats on my butt that startled me and suddenly a water break! I quickly smacked Cole and loudly announced, "I think my water just broke?!" He shot up out of bed and followed me to the bathroom so that we could inspect the situation. It turns out we were indeed heading down Labor Lane! Trying our best to not get too excited about this little development (fully realizing we could be in labor for a while), we got back into bed and attempted sleep. 5 minutes later I ask him, "You awake - YEP!"
Contractions began about 3am and we decided to walk the dogs. We got 100 yards or so with the dogs and contractions were more and more uncomfortable so we went back inside. We hunkered down on the couch in blankets and turned on Stars Wars - Cole's super exciting (kid in a candy store excited), Costco purchase from the day before that we had to have. I stared blankly at the tv unable to focus on the movie and decided to text family that this is happening. I even face timed with the Soos' between contractions. After I got out of the shower around 4am, contractions were stronger and a minute apart. I really didn't get a slow introduction to this labor thing. It was fast and hard. I have never felt a stronger desire to have Cole right beside me in my entire life. I needed his face to be against mine, talking to me, soothing me, reminding me to breathe as my belly hardened into a rock and my body contorted against the contraction, all the while he reminding me to relax. He was my life support. Cole and I labored in our dark apartment together for 5 hours. In between contractions we shared tears of excitement. It was beautiful. It was awful. And finally when it got unbearable, we made the decision to make our way to the car. It took us about an hour to actually get into the car. My contractions were on top of each other, giving us little time for the break we needed to get me down the stairs and into the car! My eyes were closed the entire 20 minute drive to Hoag Hospital. I was trying so hard to concentrate on relaxing and staying completely still through every contraction. If my body moved, even an inch, my pain level sky rocketed to heights I had never been, seen, or ever want to experience again (though I'm sure a few years will change that opinion). Upon arrival, we disappointingly discovered valet was closed. 2 options: I could stay in the wheel chair in front of the hospital, in the cold fog waiting for Cole to park the car, or I could go with him. I chose the latter option. I did not, would not, could not be separated from him. We stopped 3 times before we got back to that wheel chair so that I could drop my weight into his arms while he held me up through every contraction. Finally the wheel chair. Enter hospital, elevator, and arrive on labor and delivery unit. Bright lights. Did I mention bright, shining, fluorescent lights? The kind that blind you, make you grimace against their crappy aura. I felt like Dorothy in Wizard of Oz, clicking my heels and chanting "there is no place like home, there is no place like home." A nurse came into our room and before Cole could let her know we were attempting a natural birth, void of drugs, and as little interventions as possible given mom and baby were safe, I was offered drugs. The seed was planted. 10 minutes and practically 10 contractions later, they admitted me after confirming I was indeed in active labor. Thanks. No kidding.
I barely noticed the view of the beautiful Newport harbor upon entering our labor and delivery room. A club med hotel view, really. It was gorgeous.
More bright fluorescent lights. Then questions. Tons of questions from the nurses. I couldn't talk. Don't they realize this? Cole tried to answer the majority of the standard hospital admitting questions that he could. All the while, I tried to pretend I wasn't there. I tried so hard at finding that happy place.
10am. 7 cm dilated. I was done. When I finally admitted that to myself and to Cole, within 15 minutes the anesthesiologist was in our room prepping an epidural. He was there so quickly it was as if he was hiding in the closet just waiting for us to say those 4 words - I want an epidural. The nurse pushed a narcotic into my iv that would help me relax while waiting for the epidural. Man, narcotics are nuts. Within seconds of the narcotic hitting my vein, I felt like I was swimming in a warm pool. My ears were blocked, my frown literally turned upside down (so cliche, I know), and I was steadied in my bed. While the anesthesiologist prepped, Cole came around to the bed and looked me in the eyes. I could tell he was scared. I think he was most scared I would regret my decision than the idea of a giant needle puncturing its way directly into my spine. I looked at him and muttered, "I want it. I have to. I can't take it. I am done." He smiled and held me through the next few contractions.
A whole new world. I could kick my feet up and relax. Crack a joke. Smile at Cole. Even play some cards. Our labor lives were changed immensely by this epidural. I couldn't believe my eyes when I looked at the fetal heart and contraction monitor. Here I was having steep, cresting contractions and feeling nothing. It is unbelievable and scary - how intense this concoction of drugs is. It manages to completely numb you from the worst pain in your life. I hated it, yet thanked it.
Two hours later and the nurse said I was 9.5 cm dilated and could start practice pushing. I just stared at her blankly. Practice push? You mean, I'm going to be having a baby soon? It was going by so fast. I almost wanted the process to slow down so I could enjoy a little more. So I could feel it. I think the epidural induced a dreamlike state that made everything fly by in front of my face, all the while being an audience member observing it not an active participant. That's how the next 20 minutes felt. Cole held my legs back while the nurse coached me on how to push. Within a couple practice pushes Cole's face changed. He suddenly said, "nurse I can see the head." WHAT?! How can he see my baby's head and I couldn't feel anything!?! Oh epidural you are crazy. At this point the nurse had us hold back until the doctor arrived 10 minutes later.
There was a mirror placed so that I could see. See, but not feel. Just crazy! 3 pushes later and Doctor Diaz says, "Lindsay look down!" At this point, I realized I wasn't looking down because I was busy looking in the mirror. The next image that flashed before my eyes was the most incredible image I have ever seen up to this point in my life. I don't think I will see anything that will top this. My baby's head was turning to look at me. Just a head. This light blue-colored head spinning around and grimacing in my direction! I couldn't believe it. Half a push later and the rest of it came right out. Pause everything here. PAUSE. Please? As I mentioned before it just flew by. I wish I could stop the clock and be in this moment forever. At 1:09 pm my baby was out and on its way to my chest. This warm, wet, beautiful baby on top of me squirming and crying. Cole yells, "Oh my god, it's a girl!" And he fell into me while we cried. Here she was. 8 months and 5 days from the day we found out we were pregnant, we met her. We felt her. We heard her. We loved her with everything we had and continue to.
Facts:
Weight: 8 pounds 4.8 ounces
Height: 20 inches
Name: Everly Ava Miller
Pure love. Thank you for reading.
Ok...I'm back. A long hiatus taken, rightfully so with a newby on our hands. Everly Ava Miller. A name we love. Middle name taken from her oldest angel cousin that we want to pay tribute to. We love you, Ava Soos.
I'm going to rewind briefly to spit out this birth story - partly for my own memory down the line (as this is taking the place of a diary) and partly because it started out pretty funny, at least I thought so. Sunday, October 20, 2013, 2:30am. I'm startled by an unconventional wake up call. A pat, or I should say, smack on my butt by mine truly - Cole. In retrospect I think I rolled over and bumped into him and in his sleep he patted my butt to let me know it was ok. It was these 2 "good game" pats on my butt that startled me and suddenly a water break! I quickly smacked Cole and loudly announced, "I think my water just broke?!" He shot up out of bed and followed me to the bathroom so that we could inspect the situation. It turns out we were indeed heading down Labor Lane! Trying our best to not get too excited about this little development (fully realizing we could be in labor for a while), we got back into bed and attempted sleep. 5 minutes later I ask him, "You awake - YEP!"
Contractions began about 3am and we decided to walk the dogs. We got 100 yards or so with the dogs and contractions were more and more uncomfortable so we went back inside. We hunkered down on the couch in blankets and turned on Stars Wars - Cole's super exciting (kid in a candy store excited), Costco purchase from the day before that we had to have. I stared blankly at the tv unable to focus on the movie and decided to text family that this is happening. I even face timed with the Soos' between contractions. After I got out of the shower around 4am, contractions were stronger and a minute apart. I really didn't get a slow introduction to this labor thing. It was fast and hard. I have never felt a stronger desire to have Cole right beside me in my entire life. I needed his face to be against mine, talking to me, soothing me, reminding me to breathe as my belly hardened into a rock and my body contorted against the contraction, all the while he reminding me to relax. He was my life support. Cole and I labored in our dark apartment together for 5 hours. In between contractions we shared tears of excitement. It was beautiful. It was awful. And finally when it got unbearable, we made the decision to make our way to the car. It took us about an hour to actually get into the car. My contractions were on top of each other, giving us little time for the break we needed to get me down the stairs and into the car! My eyes were closed the entire 20 minute drive to Hoag Hospital. I was trying so hard to concentrate on relaxing and staying completely still through every contraction. If my body moved, even an inch, my pain level sky rocketed to heights I had never been, seen, or ever want to experience again (though I'm sure a few years will change that opinion). Upon arrival, we disappointingly discovered valet was closed. 2 options: I could stay in the wheel chair in front of the hospital, in the cold fog waiting for Cole to park the car, or I could go with him. I chose the latter option. I did not, would not, could not be separated from him. We stopped 3 times before we got back to that wheel chair so that I could drop my weight into his arms while he held me up through every contraction. Finally the wheel chair. Enter hospital, elevator, and arrive on labor and delivery unit. Bright lights. Did I mention bright, shining, fluorescent lights? The kind that blind you, make you grimace against their crappy aura. I felt like Dorothy in Wizard of Oz, clicking my heels and chanting "there is no place like home, there is no place like home." A nurse came into our room and before Cole could let her know we were attempting a natural birth, void of drugs, and as little interventions as possible given mom and baby were safe, I was offered drugs. The seed was planted. 10 minutes and practically 10 contractions later, they admitted me after confirming I was indeed in active labor. Thanks. No kidding.
I barely noticed the view of the beautiful Newport harbor upon entering our labor and delivery room. A club med hotel view, really. It was gorgeous.
More bright fluorescent lights. Then questions. Tons of questions from the nurses. I couldn't talk. Don't they realize this? Cole tried to answer the majority of the standard hospital admitting questions that he could. All the while, I tried to pretend I wasn't there. I tried so hard at finding that happy place.
10am. 7 cm dilated. I was done. When I finally admitted that to myself and to Cole, within 15 minutes the anesthesiologist was in our room prepping an epidural. He was there so quickly it was as if he was hiding in the closet just waiting for us to say those 4 words - I want an epidural. The nurse pushed a narcotic into my iv that would help me relax while waiting for the epidural. Man, narcotics are nuts. Within seconds of the narcotic hitting my vein, I felt like I was swimming in a warm pool. My ears were blocked, my frown literally turned upside down (so cliche, I know), and I was steadied in my bed. While the anesthesiologist prepped, Cole came around to the bed and looked me in the eyes. I could tell he was scared. I think he was most scared I would regret my decision than the idea of a giant needle puncturing its way directly into my spine. I looked at him and muttered, "I want it. I have to. I can't take it. I am done." He smiled and held me through the next few contractions.
A whole new world. I could kick my feet up and relax. Crack a joke. Smile at Cole. Even play some cards. Our labor lives were changed immensely by this epidural. I couldn't believe my eyes when I looked at the fetal heart and contraction monitor. Here I was having steep, cresting contractions and feeling nothing. It is unbelievable and scary - how intense this concoction of drugs is. It manages to completely numb you from the worst pain in your life. I hated it, yet thanked it.
Two hours later and the nurse said I was 9.5 cm dilated and could start practice pushing. I just stared at her blankly. Practice push? You mean, I'm going to be having a baby soon? It was going by so fast. I almost wanted the process to slow down so I could enjoy a little more. So I could feel it. I think the epidural induced a dreamlike state that made everything fly by in front of my face, all the while being an audience member observing it not an active participant. That's how the next 20 minutes felt. Cole held my legs back while the nurse coached me on how to push. Within a couple practice pushes Cole's face changed. He suddenly said, "nurse I can see the head." WHAT?! How can he see my baby's head and I couldn't feel anything!?! Oh epidural you are crazy. At this point the nurse had us hold back until the doctor arrived 10 minutes later.
There was a mirror placed so that I could see. See, but not feel. Just crazy! 3 pushes later and Doctor Diaz says, "Lindsay look down!" At this point, I realized I wasn't looking down because I was busy looking in the mirror. The next image that flashed before my eyes was the most incredible image I have ever seen up to this point in my life. I don't think I will see anything that will top this. My baby's head was turning to look at me. Just a head. This light blue-colored head spinning around and grimacing in my direction! I couldn't believe it. Half a push later and the rest of it came right out. Pause everything here. PAUSE. Please? As I mentioned before it just flew by. I wish I could stop the clock and be in this moment forever. At 1:09 pm my baby was out and on its way to my chest. This warm, wet, beautiful baby on top of me squirming and crying. Cole yells, "Oh my god, it's a girl!" And he fell into me while we cried. Here she was. 8 months and 5 days from the day we found out we were pregnant, we met her. We felt her. We heard her. We loved her with everything we had and continue to.
Facts:
Weight: 8 pounds 4.8 ounces
Height: 20 inches
Name: Everly Ava Miller
Pure love. Thank you for reading.
Our big, beautiful, baby girl!
Dad doing skin-to-skin with Everly!
Hi sweet baby!
Our first extrauterine meeting!
Friday, October 18, 2013
Friday. My feet are up, my lap top's right where it's meant to be, laundry's in, cookie supply is slowly thinning, and my tummy is full. Full of baby and oatmeal pumpkin butterscotch cookies. I guess this constant baking/cleaning/laundering is what one deems "the nesting phase." This phase has welcomed me with open arms. I'm unable to sit still, part of the reason I haven't had cable in over 10 years.
This is about the time when friends and family are reaching out to find out if baby has arrived yet. NO! I'm actually ok with that because I slept until almost 9 this morning. That's right. Take that sleep habits that are on their way from becoming extinct! I am thoroughly enjoying my ability to sleep, shower, and be what I want to be, when I want to be, where I want to be right now.
Speaking of where I want to be...the other day my girlfriend Melita (down from Sacramento) and I wandered to Laguna for lunch and pictures. Little did I know she would take some of the most pretty pictures (of me) I have ever seen. Side note: Between you, me, and my cute dogs I haven't truly appreciated all of the changes that my body has undergone in this pregnancy transformation. One, it was interruptive. Two, it slowed me down. Three, it was invasive. Four, it took privileges away from me. Finally, I wasn't prepared for all of it (I am now so don't worry). Anyway, I'm seeing these pics of me and I find myself taking a bit of pride in my belly, in this transformation from fear and pain to the upcoming challenges and immense love that motherhood brings. I am standing on a precipice of a life alteration and there is something humbling in that. I believe Melita captured this in her photos of me, my dogs, and Cole. I won't share the ones of Cole and I because those will be used for an incredibly comical and nerdy birth announcement that should be viewed initially from your mailbox, but I will share one of my favorites of me. Hasta la pasta!
This is about the time when friends and family are reaching out to find out if baby has arrived yet. NO! I'm actually ok with that because I slept until almost 9 this morning. That's right. Take that sleep habits that are on their way from becoming extinct! I am thoroughly enjoying my ability to sleep, shower, and be what I want to be, when I want to be, where I want to be right now.
Speaking of where I want to be...the other day my girlfriend Melita (down from Sacramento) and I wandered to Laguna for lunch and pictures. Little did I know she would take some of the most pretty pictures (of me) I have ever seen. Side note: Between you, me, and my cute dogs I haven't truly appreciated all of the changes that my body has undergone in this pregnancy transformation. One, it was interruptive. Two, it slowed me down. Three, it was invasive. Four, it took privileges away from me. Finally, I wasn't prepared for all of it (I am now so don't worry). Anyway, I'm seeing these pics of me and I find myself taking a bit of pride in my belly, in this transformation from fear and pain to the upcoming challenges and immense love that motherhood brings. I am standing on a precipice of a life alteration and there is something humbling in that. I believe Melita captured this in her photos of me, my dogs, and Cole. I won't share the ones of Cole and I because those will be used for an incredibly comical and nerdy birth announcement that should be viewed initially from your mailbox, but I will share one of my favorites of me. Hasta la pasta!
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Quick tid bitty:
I am grateful I can still wear heels. I am not so grateful for my left foot growing a 1/2 inch longer than my right. There are many prices to pay for a 30% jump in body weight. Still, I am grateful I found heels that fit my mismatched hooves. TJ Max, you complete me. Now onto Travis and Tonya's wedding where I plan to not break my bag of waters on the dance floor.
I am grateful I can still wear heels. I am not so grateful for my left foot growing a 1/2 inch longer than my right. There are many prices to pay for a 30% jump in body weight. Still, I am grateful I found heels that fit my mismatched hooves. TJ Max, you complete me. Now onto Travis and Tonya's wedding where I plan to not break my bag of waters on the dance floor.
Friday, October 11, 2013
Hello! Please bear with me as I forge my way through this new world of blogging. I was inspired by my sister's beautiful blog (Simply Lou) to start one of my own years ago, then didn't. I've found in my adult life it takes me a long while, if ever, to put words down on paper like a diary; though I have plenty of words to share. So here goes. A journey down my lane...a big thanks for your interest.
Disclaimer numero uno (there will be many I am sure of it): I am a big bag of hormones at this moment. As my people know, I am pregnant, 10-days-away-from-the-big-day-pregnant, so go ahead and let that sink in and we'll move forward momentarily...
It's 3:45 am PST and I'm up. This is a usual occurrence for me now - lately I could delay this awakening til about 6 am, but this morning there was excitement surging through my blood - I got a new lap top. OK, maybe not the smartest move right before baby, but it was forced upon me when my old laptop went kaput. The exciting new Macbook coupled with a very strange dream (I won't scare you with those details) has me up, typing away with the intention of possibly getting hold of my emotions (doubt it) and using my writing skills I was always told I was good at to possibly provide some comedic relief to you. Provide. Comedic. Relief. Right. The next paragraph is going to start at the beginning where I am crying in the doctor's office. Funny, I'm already failing at one of my goals.
Let's go back. I'll try and make this pregnancy history as short as possible. February 15th, 2013 - Cole and I are told we have successfully started the reproduction process together. Unexpected. Scared. Severely concerned (that's putting it lightly). And somewhat delighted. I was in the middle of my nursing school semester and he was at the tail end of his first year of teaching. Marriage, babies, future talk stuff - was all going to be in the future. You know, that time ahead that you can surely envision together, but not really grasp at this moment. Not because I wasn't in love, or didn't already come to the realization this was that man - enter cliche here - that I was going to spend the rest of my lovely life with, but because we had some serious stuff to do - like rock out to education and new careers. So we're doing it backwards. We are not traditionalists in the sense where everything must be on a societal-influenced trajectory. Quite honestly, I'm proud of that.
So here I am 9 months later, up in the middle of the night, subscribing to a blog that I'm actually going to attempt to be the author of, and trying to detail bits and parts of a life that I'm humbled you would even want to read about. So, again, thank you.
My feelings at the moment (they change quickly - blame hormones - always blame hormones) are HOLY CRAP I'm having a baby. That expression contains all of my feelings bundled together - excitement, a touch of fear (though I know Cole and I will be great at parenthood - I'm talking about the fear of a sleep-deprived state of mind), loss (my relationship as I know it with Cole will change significantly - admittedly, I mourn this fact), and desire. Ah. Desire. Get this baby out of me. Is this baby that's overwhelmed my womb with kicks and jabs since we first felt it in May, a boy or girl? What do you look like? Who will you be like? Will you be as sweet, beautiful, and observant as Emma? As extroverted, playful, and talkative as Charlie? As curious and adorable as Brooks? Eviction notice: 10/21/13. I am ready.
Disclaimer numero dos: I'd never be able to do this on my own. I am lucky to the point that I thank the universe daily (that's a lie - but very often I thank it) for my fiancé, Cole. He is a grounding force in my life. The amount of support he gives freely to me is breathtaking.
Alright! I'll end on that high note before I start tearing up and turning this attempt at comedic relief into a sob story. I promise - there is plenty of time for that. It's likely right around the corner. Til next time, friends!
Disclaimer numero uno (there will be many I am sure of it): I am a big bag of hormones at this moment. As my people know, I am pregnant, 10-days-away-from-the-big-day-pregnant, so go ahead and let that sink in and we'll move forward momentarily...
It's 3:45 am PST and I'm up. This is a usual occurrence for me now - lately I could delay this awakening til about 6 am, but this morning there was excitement surging through my blood - I got a new lap top. OK, maybe not the smartest move right before baby, but it was forced upon me when my old laptop went kaput. The exciting new Macbook coupled with a very strange dream (I won't scare you with those details) has me up, typing away with the intention of possibly getting hold of my emotions (doubt it) and using my writing skills I was always told I was good at to possibly provide some comedic relief to you. Provide. Comedic. Relief. Right. The next paragraph is going to start at the beginning where I am crying in the doctor's office. Funny, I'm already failing at one of my goals.
Let's go back. I'll try and make this pregnancy history as short as possible. February 15th, 2013 - Cole and I are told we have successfully started the reproduction process together. Unexpected. Scared. Severely concerned (that's putting it lightly). And somewhat delighted. I was in the middle of my nursing school semester and he was at the tail end of his first year of teaching. Marriage, babies, future talk stuff - was all going to be in the future. You know, that time ahead that you can surely envision together, but not really grasp at this moment. Not because I wasn't in love, or didn't already come to the realization this was that man - enter cliche here - that I was going to spend the rest of my lovely life with, but because we had some serious stuff to do - like rock out to education and new careers. So we're doing it backwards. We are not traditionalists in the sense where everything must be on a societal-influenced trajectory. Quite honestly, I'm proud of that.
So here I am 9 months later, up in the middle of the night, subscribing to a blog that I'm actually going to attempt to be the author of, and trying to detail bits and parts of a life that I'm humbled you would even want to read about. So, again, thank you.
My feelings at the moment (they change quickly - blame hormones - always blame hormones) are HOLY CRAP I'm having a baby. That expression contains all of my feelings bundled together - excitement, a touch of fear (though I know Cole and I will be great at parenthood - I'm talking about the fear of a sleep-deprived state of mind), loss (my relationship as I know it with Cole will change significantly - admittedly, I mourn this fact), and desire. Ah. Desire. Get this baby out of me. Is this baby that's overwhelmed my womb with kicks and jabs since we first felt it in May, a boy or girl? What do you look like? Who will you be like? Will you be as sweet, beautiful, and observant as Emma? As extroverted, playful, and talkative as Charlie? As curious and adorable as Brooks? Eviction notice: 10/21/13. I am ready.
Disclaimer numero dos: I'd never be able to do this on my own. I am lucky to the point that I thank the universe daily (that's a lie - but very often I thank it) for my fiancé, Cole. He is a grounding force in my life. The amount of support he gives freely to me is breathtaking.
Alright! I'll end on that high note before I start tearing up and turning this attempt at comedic relief into a sob story. I promise - there is plenty of time for that. It's likely right around the corner. Til next time, friends!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)